No! Not With a Fork! Or Even Chopsticks!

I posted a funny message in Ricard's fan club, because I still do that to amuse myself even though I seem to be the only one reading it, about how people should add "with a fork" to the ends of Chinese fortune cookie messages, because he really seems to like such sentences. I happened to go to a Chinese buffet last night, so I helped myself to some extra fortune cookies. The resulting sentences are slightly amusing:

You will soon bring joy to someone dear to you with a fork.

You will surround yourself with warmth and riches with a fork.

Many receive advice, only the wise profits by it with a fork. (That one's my favourite).

Then, there's the last one, where I think everything started to go horribly awry:

May all of the 365 dreams you have this year come true with a fork.

I didn't think much of this and went to bed, as normal people will do at night. And then the Chinese-food induced sadistic dreaming began.

I was at a hairdressers'. Jason apparently lived in the basement, below the hairdressers, and that must have been why I was there, because I was not getting a haircut. Instead, I held his dog Buddy in my lap for about two hours until he was thoroughly spoiled (which is exactly what I did for real the last time I was at his house). Jason was away, but came home about the time the hairdressers were closing up for the day. I asked if I could come down to the basement with him to do my laundry, and he said okay. He went back out to get some more stuff out of his car, and I started downstairs. Apparently he lived two floors below ground, and going through the first floor meant walking through the discount section of a Wal-Mart-like store that had nothing but marked-down generic brand laundry detergent and baby clothes. I browsed for a while and then kept going. Jason was in the hallway with some short lady with short, dark grey hair. He had his hands up in the air, and she was pointing him towards the door to his apartment. I asked if he wanted me to keep getting stuff from the car, and he looked at me like I was crazy, and that's when I noticed that the short lady had a gun. I started running and went outside, while she proceeded to wave him into his apartment.

Before leaving the hairdressers' part of the building, I noticed some electronic devices, including a, ahem, PC laptop, strewn around on the floor. I thought these were relevant somehow and that the crazy lady might be after them, so I spent some time packing them up into their respective leather bags to take with me, when I noticed that the charger cord to my cell phone was not there. Apparently the crazy lady had it, and apparently my phone would not work without it, so I ran across the street outside to the coffee shop to use their phone to call the police. Before I could go inside, however, I noticed three or four Santas walking around outside the coffee shop. One of them set a bag of toys down, stood a few inches back from it, pulled out a remote control, pushed a button, and detonated the sack. I was afraid it was the crazy lady dressed as Santa and that Jason was inside the bag, so instead of going to the coffee shop I started running for home instead.

At some point I ended up on a bike, and then noticed that Buddy was running after me. I had no idea what had happened to Jason at this point, and I was afraid I was going to have to take care of Buddy for a while. It was getting to be dinner time and I knew he was hungry, but I also knew I needed to find a way to call the police. (Yes, in real life, my cell phone is my only phone). I thought at first that I had some Cheerios at home that I could just give Buddy, but then I decided that since Jason didn't like him to eat people food, and since I had no idea how long he would be staying with me, he would need some real food, and I thought he ate Beneful, so I made a mental note that I needed to go to the store to get some Beneful.

I sort of blanked out as to what happened between then and the next part, but the next thing I knew I was back at the hairdressers', and Jason was there, laughing and joking, but I could tell it was just an act that he was putting on so the crazy lady wouldn't kill him before making his escape, and I knew I hadn't called the police yet because some crazy dream force had prevented me from doing so. So we sort of sat around the table while she kept talking about how she was making a canoe in the kitchen, which I guess was going to be her getaway vehicle, and about how she was destroying all traces of evidence that she had been there trying to kill Jason and making a canoe in the hairdressers' kitchen. She opened some sort of jar of spices and poured some into the canoe, and then showed us how she was putting them away and cleaning up the residue, because I guess those spices might be associated with hunting wild Canadian game or something.

And that's all I remember. So I have no idea why the Santas were detonating toys (though I hope it is not an ill-boding for our Secret Santa party), or whether Jason ever got away from the crazy canoe lady, or whether I ever got around to calling the police. I woke up, and that was that. But I have learned my lesson not to add "with a fork" to any more Chinese fortunes, because I do not want any of my 365 dreams to come true if they keep turning out like this. Perhaps part of it is crazy psychopathic wishful thinking that Jason will take out a will leaving Buddy to me if he dies, because I would take really good care of him and feed him Beneful and not just Cheerios, and spoil him in my lap every day for two hours. But most likely this explains why Jason and I do not like to go to the hairdressers' very often. And I thought it was just because I was too cheap to go to Great Clips without the $5.99 coupon.